


Who gives a ___ about New York?

by spockside



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Post-Movie(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-19
Updated: 2013-04-19
Packaged: 2017-12-08 22:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/766917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockside/pseuds/spockside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pepper and Nick Fury burst into Tony's office demanding an explanation of a recent fundraising campaign for the reconstruction of New York City. </p><p>"Make love, not war, right?" says Tony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who gives a ___ about New York?

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete silliness that occurred to me in the wee small hours of the morning. Intended for entertainment and in no way to be considered a representation of responsible behavior, except maybe on the part of Pepper and Fury.
> 
> Also, the word that might be used to fill in the blank does not appear anywhere in the story.

For once, Nick Fury and Pepper Potts were of the same opinion and the same level of wrath, and nearly the same volume.

 

"Mr. Stark - " Tony's secretary barely got inside his office before the door was flung all the way open, admitting two more, louder visitors.

 

"It's all right, Ms. Gibbs. Not your fault," said Tony, and Ms. Gibbs nodded gratefully and slipped out, back to her now-quiet desk.

 

Tony knew exactly what Pepper and Fury were here about. This was a moment he'd been waiting for, for days. He rose, buttoning his jacket, and came around to lean on the front of his desk.

 

Pepper glared. Fury glowered.

 

"What, no good-morning kiss? Not you, Scarecrow," Tony said to the former and the latter in turn. "Something wrong in Spyland?"

 

"I have a feeling that you, and only you, can explain this," Fury growled. He shoved a piece of paper at Tony, who debated whether to play the "I don't like to be handed things" card. Pepper made his choice for him, grabbing the paper from Fury and stepping right up into Tony's space with it.

 

"These are plastered all over the bus stops and subways," she said. "I did a little checking and found out they were printed and distributed using funds that can be traced back to you."

 

"They came out really nice, very professional, don't you think?" Tony remarked. "Nothing but the best for the cause."

 

"What cause might that be, Mr. Stark?" Fury demanded.

 

"The restoration of New York City, of course," said Tony. "People want to contribute, but times are tough. This way, they don't have to spend anything, they feel good - I hope - the city benefits - "

 

Pepper was shaking her head and rubbing the bridge of her nose like she felt a headache coming on.

 

"Aw, come on, Pepper," Tony said. He didn't care what Fury thought, but Pepper was a different story. "It's not like anyone's selling their body, or doing anything they don't want to do. 'Make love, not war', right? Hell, you cand I could - "

 

"Stop. Right. There." Pepper had not just held up her hand, she'd clamped it over Tony's mouth, with a grip harder than he'd dreamed of. He tried not to lose himself in fantasy as she spoke.

 

"This flyer - correct me if I'm wrong - offers to make a donation to the reconstruction fund, a substantial donation - "

 

Tony nodded vigorously. Pepper did not loosen her grip, but went on speaking.

 

" - for every consensual sexual act performed between two or more people before - " She named the date on the flyer. "Confirmation of your participation is strictly confidential and for purposes of accounting only, and all correspondence will be destroyed after tis date. Call or write, no e-mail or texts please."

 

"Is this some kind of a joke?" Fury asked incredulously.

 

Pepper released Tony, who worked his jaw for a minute before saying, "No joke, I swear. Anyone who calls or writes will get a special form to be filled out and signed by all participants, along with several condoms or other form of protection and a stern reminder that this is supposed to be safe, sane, and consensual."

 

"People have been lying on forms since the first one was ever printed," said Fury. "What makes you think that a., people will sign their real names, and b., every 'act' is consensual?"

 

"Well, there's the fact that their names will be checked against legal records - State of New York residents only - and since the only perk anyone will receive is a lapel badge with the slogan on it, I don't see how anyone's going to benefit from forcing themselves on someone."

 

Pepper blanched. "The slogan..."

 

"Catchy, right? Wish I'd thought of it. And no, I refuse to tell you who did."

 

"How are you, or anyone, going to gain access to records in order to verify signatures?" Fury rounded on Tony.

 

"We have our ways," he smirked, remembering how he and JARVIS had hacked SHIELD's supposedly impenetrable system.

 

Fury turned to Pepper. "Is this legal?"

 

"I have our people working on that already," she replied.

 

"Come on, guys, it'll be fun!" Tony was getting tired of their downer of an attitude. "If nothing else, it'll bring a smile to the faces of the people of New York. They could use a smile. I could use one right now, in fact."

 

"Don't count on getting a 'smile' out of me any time soon," Pepper said in a low voice. "Especially if I have to sign a form for it."

 

"I'd better not see anyone on the carrier wearing one of those damn badges," Fury muttered as he went out. Pepper followed, slamming the door.

 

Tony went to the phone and made a call.

 

"Phil? It's Stark. - Yeah, about as well as I anticipated. Listen, about the badges - uh huh. - Right. - I hate to say it, but I think we should go with your idea, with the blank space. I don't want anybody getting arrested for disturbing the peace or anything. Can we get a small batch of the original ones made up, though? For special occasions? - Aw, you're the best, Agent. They should put you on medical leave more often - I see that enforced inactivity brings out your creative side. What? - I don't think either of them have figured it out yet. They think it was all my idea. - Oh, well, she'll get over it. It's not the worst thing - I don't know about Fury, though. Watch your six."

 

He grinned as he hung up the phone. Pulling open his desk drawer, he extracted a badge about as wide as the length of his thumb and regarded it fondly.

 

It said, "I gave a [ __ ] about New York. How about you?"


End file.
